Deep In The Heart of Texas

I’ve been thinking about Texas lately.  In large part because I am “worst case scenario girl”.  Which is weird, because I am also a hopeless optimist about some things.  Figure that out.  I had a Texas “aha moment” this morning.

Anywhooo, I look at what is happening in the United States and have been wondering just what would the United States look like if it completely fell apart.  Let’s just say at some point in our history we get to a place where we are so weakened politically, socially, and economically that we become prey to the world.  As I see it, this is how the United States would end up being broken down geographically…

1.  The south finally secedes but doesn’t last long on its own as it is quickly overtaken by South American communist nations backed by Russia.  They call themselves The Confederate States of America.  No surprise there.  Russia doesn’t let them fly the the confederate flag either.  Doing so is punishable by death or life spent in the Bayoulag.  Missouri is misspelled on all Russian maps as “Misery”.

2.  The northeast and much of the midwest joins the EU.  They retain the name The United States of America, but the rest of world snickers about that.  Ultimately they change the name of their country to United Socialist States Republic, the USSR.  They get sued by Russia for name infringement and ultimately change their name once again.  This time they pick “Changeland”.  No one has a problem with that. 

3.  Northern California and the Pacific northwest is annexed by Russia without a fight.  They are glad to finally feel “at home” in their own country.  This elation, as you can imagine, doesn’t last long.  Because of their wealth, Russia taxes the snot out of them and just for fun takes away most of their property and freedoms, but they are simply called teabagging racists when they protest.  Russia doesn’t care what their concerns are or how they feel.  Nyet.  They’re just trying to make it fair for all of Russia. 

4.  Hawaii is finally taken by Japan after a brief battle.  Nothing at all changes for them except that they now spend Yen.  And schoolchildren are thrilled because now it’s totally easy to draw their new flag.  No one could ever get all those colors and lines correct on the old Hawiian flag

5.  Southern California, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, and Utah are taken by Mexico.  It’s an easy transition.  The states become Mexican states without changing their names.  They are forced to speak Spanish as it’s the official language of Mexico.  They’re all like “hey wait!  We didn’t make YOU speak English when you came here and English was the official language!!”.  Mexico is like “lo siento, pauvracitos!”  It’s illegal to send money from Mexico to any relatives who might be living elsewhere in the defunct USA.  Mexico becomes unofficially known as Nuevo New Mexico.  They thought about New Mexico, but that was already a state, and New New Mexico sounded totally estupido, so Nuevo New Mexico, or NNW it becomes!  The former Americans are not allowed to refer to themselves as American-Mexicans or wave the former flags of their states.  In an unexpected coup, the formerly-American-now-Mexican women band together with the previously-Mexican-American-now Mexican women and the original-Mexican women and successfully get “Mexico” changed to “Mexica”.  Mexicans born in Mexico now call themselves OMs, for Original Mexicans.

6.  Minnesota and the Dakotas voluntarily approach Canada in order to save themselves from everyone else eyeing them.  They become one province, Dakotasota.  They learn french, because they want to, not because they have to, eh.  Without an intact America to provide ipso facto protection from the wolves at its door, Canada (and Dakotasota) ALSO joins the EU.  The EU decides it needs to change ITS name to embrace its new North American members (and by now there are Asian, Middle Eastern and African nations who have joined as well).  It doesn’t want to make anyone feel disenfranchised and so it becomes the World Union.  “Woo Woo Woo” becomes the offical chant of support for this new megasuperpower.  Which is good, because chanting “EU EU EU” sounds an awful lot like “EWW EWW EWW”, which just isn’t all that great of a chant if you know what I mean.  Sharia law is now the official body of law for the WU.

7.  Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado attempt to band together, but are landlocked, and this becomes a big issue for them as Mexico, Russia, Canada, and the EU/WU refuse to allow airspace or waterway access.  So, they survive, but are cut off from the rest of world.  Most there are okay with that and live simple but extremely hard lives like settlers before them.  At least they have some of the best national parks there to visit, but it’s a long horse ride to get to any of them.  They pick a particulary dreadful name for their new nation…Big Red.  No one really knows why this is what it ended up being, but the other choice was Idamocowy.  Even Big Red sounds good next to that.  Boulderites are initially given the option of relocating to Oregon, but so many refused that Big Red simply forced them to secede.  So they become like Lisotho.  A little “island” nation completely surrounded by its neighbor.

9.  Alaska.  I haven’t fully decided what I think would come of Alaska.  Probably part of it would end up Russian and part of it Canadian.  It’s full of oil and diamonds and other resources, so the fight might be ongoing and bloody.

10.  Everyone sort of just forgets about Puerto Rico. 

11.  China quietly sits by waiting for some of the dust to settle and then, in the boldest, fastest, and most imperialistic land grab EVER, steamrollers across the Pacific taking Japan (and Hawaii), Guam, Kwajelien, the Marshall Islands, the Russian states of America, and Nueva New Mexica, and Central America (they want the Panama Canal) in one fell swoop.  And then it decides to take Antarctica, just because no one really “owns” it yet and there were a couple of million soldiers with nothing else to do.

12.  Texas asserts its (non-existant on paper, but existent deep in the hearts of many Texans) “right to secede” and becomes the nation that all those years ago it planned to be able to become if it ever wanted to, as evidenced by their flag.

The Texas State Flag

Which brings us to Texas and the “aha moment” I had this morning.  The flag of Texas is what the United States flag would look like if there was only one state.  How did it take 44 years to have this dawn on me?

Texas thrives on its own as a breakaway Republic and carries on what had once been the great American Experiment.  Even though it will totally destroy it’s cool shape, Texas allows Oklahoma to join the fledgling nation.  It decides to go by “Texas”.  It makes its motto “Don’t Mess With Texas” and no one does.  Cuba, having realized that they’ve been wrong all these decades, really wants in on the Texas Experiment.  No one answers their calls.

And that is how “worst case scenario girl/hopeless optimist girl” can see it happening, tongue only partly in cheek.


About Lou (Linda)

Just a girl from Colorado trying to live life to God's glory with a certain amount of gusto! View all posts by Lou (Linda)

10 responses to “Deep In The Heart of Texas

  • Michael

    Buying a house in Texas – Don’t like Russians & speak little spanish or spanglish more appropriately.

  • Richard/Dicky Dan

    That was amazing. I make up these kind of scenarios all the time, but this is better than any of mine.

  • Lou (Linda)

    Why, thank you! I am rather proud of it myself!! This is what my brain does when it looks like I’m not doing anything! 🙂 You come by it rightly, that’s for sure!

  • Nicholas

    I’ve been thinking about Texas seceding too ever since I heard their were shouts for secession at the Austin tea party. And also Rick Perry, our governor, has joked about it some with the media. I think in theory it would be an epic fail, but I love the idea! I even researched it, and gave a speech about it for my persuasive speech in speech class.

  • Holly

    I told Paul we may want to move to Texas, just so we have the best border control in the world!

    See Chuck Norris’ sentiments here:

    Very interesting imagination you have here Linda, you are funny, and I enjoy reading your rants – oh, maybe “rant” is not the right word 😉

  • Holly

    I guess my link isn’t working because I put it in parenthesis – can you fix it Lou?! It’s AWESOME!

  • Lou (Linda)

    Fixed it Holly! Thanks for the link!

    Yeah, this one’s not exactly a rant, more of a musing! 🙂

  • Becca

    That’s awesome. Yes, Texans are probably the proudest people you’ll ever come across…it’s saddening, really. 😛

  • Layne

    Good points. Nice post, lady!! You are very wise. I hope our fellow citizens wake up before it is too late. But, it may already be too late. The selfish side of me says, “Maybe it will happen after I have lived my life.” The warrior side of me says, “I hope I do get to see this happen so I can be in the thick of the fight.” (This last view is how my pastor, RB Thieme, would respond, I think). 🙂 ….have a nice day……

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