Shouldn’t I Be Crying?

Today should have been a really bad day.  But it wasn’t.  Eight months ago I had my very worst day, and all other days are compared to that one and, fortunately, come up way short when it comes to the question “Which is worse, today, or THAT day?”.  The answer is always THAT day.  And yet, I am surprised at my significant lack of emotion at the moment.  In fact, what I feel is more emptiness than anything else.  Should I weep?  Should I scream?  Should I rent my clothes and ask God “why?”  Should I walk around in sack cloth and ashes?  Maybe when the significance of what happened today sinks in I will.  Or maybe if I tell somebody what happened the tears will come.  But for the moment, I am bereft of emotion.  And I am keeping it to myself.  I don’t want to talk about it.  What will talking solve?  What will crying over it solve?  Matthew 6:34 tells me “Do not be over-anxious, therefore, about to-morrow, for to-morrow will bring its own cares.  Enough for each day are its own troubles.”  (Weymouth New Testament Version)

Today the best romance I ever had ended after many months of pain and frustration.  Through the pain and frustration I remained hopeful that we’d find our way out of this particular dark time and back into the light and lovliness that was in the beginning.  Today I got the answer that I dreaded:  an end to the relationship in all its iterations.  Our romance was one that I never dreamed could happen to me.  This man brought me a happiness and a joy that made me think that maybe marriage was something that my future held afterall.  A thought that I hadn’t had in a decade.  He changed me.  He softened me.  He made me want to truly *need* to have a particular person in my life.  He was my friend, and I dreamed of him, and I let myself imagine a life with him, and I woke up thinking of him, and I went to sleep smiling and content and with him on my mind.  And this at a time when things were the darkest for me.  And at a time when his life was filled with the darkness of loss as well.  I thought that God had said “Here my children, a gift of unimagineable worth for you.”.  Did I hear wrong??  Was there always a part of me that has been crying out to have that but because of past hurts I had subjugated it to other interests and desires?  Did that part of me jump too soon into something I had no business jumping into?  And why did it go so wrong?  A bomb went off, and not only could we not remove the shrapnel from each other’s hearts, we couldn’t even find the shrapnel in the first place.  We kept trying to tell each other where it was and what it looked like, but after enjoying a time of amazing communication in the beginning, our words were confounded and we were no longer even remotely understanding each other.  I have endured the loss of love before.  The last time I was devestated by losing someone (nearly twenty years ago now) I wrote a poem which sadly, comes to mind tonight.  It has no title.

Unseen forces fold the waters back

Revealing

Delicate, hidden things

A fragile intricate world

Left unprotected by her gates of green.

There are those who trample carelessly over

The hidden parts

Not caring

On what they tread.

There are those who remove

Treasures now exposed

And put them on display

For all to see.

There are those who

Look

And gently touch

Experiencing the beauty

Becoming a part of it.

The waves in all their majesty

Must eventually be stripped back.

They cannot hide forever

The crystal pools.

She cannot keep the world

Away from her shores

Nor from picking over the delicate things.

She can only hope

For the one who will look inside and

See the gentleness there

Understanding

It is as much a part of the sea

As the waves

And that when the waves return

To obscure

The gentler things, that

They still lie beneath the green gates,

And need to be, for a time

Locked in.

Protected.

He showed up in my life in the most amazing of ways and my heart was open and unprotected and welcoming when he did.  His touch was a gentle one, but after the bomb, the waters started to seep back in.  I tried to hold them back for him, but now tonight, the waves have crashed back in over my heart.  Good Bye, Scruffy J.

 

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About Lou (Linda)

Just a girl from Colorado trying to live life to God's glory with a certain amount of gusto! View all posts by Lou (Linda)

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